An Inharmonious Morning
by NuclearCookout
Summary: A chain of vexing mishaps occurs during one insipid Mushroom Kingdom morning. Can Mario handle it? Rated T for mild violence.


An Inharmonious Morning

Mario tumbled out of bed and hit the floor with a thud as the clock hit 9:32am. There was no alarm, he just happened to have a bad dream. Another annoying dream of annoying Bowser annoyingly taking Peach to his annoying castle for the fifty-seven-thousandth annoying time. He normally had these dreams preceding a bad day, and Mario was fairly certain that he would rue having even gained consciousness.

He exited the vicinity of his bed, joints creaking and popping, stumbled his way out of the room and down the stairs, nearly tripping numerous times, and muttered to himself of what might grace his palate on that tasteless morning. He made his way into the kitchen, where his wife Peach was baking one of her ubiquitous and clichéd cakes. The mere smell of that overused frosted curse made him wince.

As Mario sat at the large breakfast table, he emitted a low, drawn-out belch. Peach smiled and said, while mixing ingredients, "Sounds like a certain plumber needs some cake!" She quickly glanced at him, did a double-take, and exclaimed, "Goodness, Mario! What happened to you?" She noticed a dead bug clinging to his disheveled hair, and a decent amount of sleep in his eyes.

Mario grumbled, "Sugar," and tried to hold down the rising acid in his esophagus. The beleaguering scent of cake had become nauseating, and was beginning to get to him.

Peach replied, "I'm not sure I've seen sugar do that...well, unless you eat too much of it. I remember this one time, Dai-..."

Mario cut in, "Give me...sugar."

Puzzled, Peach said, "Erm, okay...if...yeah, here ya go..." and handed him a tiny bucket of sugar with an emerald-studded spoon in it.

"In water," Mario added as one of his eyelids twitched slightly.

Peach complied, and put a few spoonfuls of the sweet, grainy pleasure into a large glass of expensive mineral water. As she handed it to him, he mumbled, "More." She added a few more spoonfuls, but he repeated himself. She handed him a glass with half water and half sugar, but all he did was clear his throat. She got a bigger glass, filled it with sugar, added a cup and a half of water, mixed it into something like a paste, and handed it to him. There was no complaint.

Mario muttered, "Grazie," and chugged it. Peach replied, in a faint and disturbed tone, "P-...prego."

Following his glucose-laden breakfast, Mario went outside to water his mushroom garden. He turned on the hose, aimed the nozzle, and watered the portobellos, the meadows, the oysters, the enokitakes, the shimejis, the shiitakes, the king trumpets, and a variety of others that he had growing.

While he watered, a lone Goomba, carrying nothing more than a suicide vest, quickly approached Mario and squealed, "LOOONNNG LIIIIVVVE BOOOWWWSEERRR!!"

Mario pulled out a fifty-caliber Desert Eagle and shot one of the wires, disabling the vest. The Goomba pressed the detonator, stopped, pressed it a few more times, then looked up at Mario with big doe-eyes and squeaked, "Parley?"

The Goomba was promptly shot in the face. After finishing watering the garden, Mario traversed the driveway to check the mailbox. All he found were bills, a catalogue, and an angry letter from Bowser. He rolled his eyes, opened the letter, and it read,

"Dear despised enemy,

My hatred for you is passionate far beyond the intensity of the Sun. I will defeat you one of these days, but until then, watch your back. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I will have my vengeance. I say again, watch your back.

Sincerely, Bowser

P.S. You suck."

Mario ripped it to pieces, as it was the fourth letter that week, and probably the eight-hundred-fiftieth letter that year (Bowser frequently sent multiple letters at once). He immediately made a note to have Bowser assassinated, and headed back to the castle. Suddenly, Mario was approached by one of Peach's servant Toads. The small fungal being babbled on about how Peach was missing again, and begged Mario to accompany it on a search. After briefly considering shooting the little polka-dotted headache, he agreed, and they ran back to the castle. They found Peach in the kitchen, baking another cake. Mario glanced at the Toad with a raised eyebrow, and it said, "Well, she was gone earlier."

Peach smiled and said, "Silly! I was in the bathroom!"

Mario escorted the Toad to the door, and punted it well over a mile away with one of his hyperpowerful legs. Toads were like an incurable plague, causing more problems than they solved, being in the way, and pestering you until you just wanted to die or go postal. Or both. At least you could kill Koopas and Goombas without feeling bad about it.

Without warning, Luigi ran up the driveway, vociferously screaming at the top of his lungs, blasted through the front door, and hid behind a large vase. Mario curiously approached his terrified brother and asked what was wrong, while noticing some pieces of sheetrock in his hair and on his clothing.

Luigi muttered, "Grey."

Perplexed, Mario asked, "What do you mean, brother?"

Luigi repeated, "Grey," while shivering fervently and sweating copiously.

Irritated by Luigi's propensity to fear, he grabbed him by the shirt and commanded him to speak of what was wrong, or else he would force-feed him one of Peach's cakes.

Luigi nearly came unglued, and answered, "D-D-Daisy found...found a grey hair...on her head...emotional conflagration followed...hormonal paroxysm...pain...anger...pure, unbridled anger."

Mario could only hold back the tears of laughter for so long. He set Luigi free and laughed heartily, saying, "Silly emasculated sibling, that's it?!"

Luigi glared at him and said, "You've never seen Daisy in an emotional eruption, and this one is the biggest yet. The energy released is NORMALLY equivalent to a small nuclear bob-omb detonation. She started with throwing pots and pans, then moved on to plates, stools, chairs, and ended up ripping the walls apart. She ran me out, threatening to cannibalize me, and then sprinted off elsewhere. Even as we speak, she is wreaking immeasurable havoc across the countryside. I even saw her rip a Toad asunder and consume it in the spot. DO NOT LECTURE ME ABOUT EMASCULATION WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR WIFE TO CONTROL EVERY ONE OF YOUR ACTIONS." With that, he stormed out.

Mario just stood there, mouth agape, drooling slightly. He was just told-off by his sempiternally fear-ridden brother. As he attempted to shut the massive door, Wario stuck his avaricious foot in the way and invited himself in. Before Mario could object, Wario asked him for money.

"Look, eh, I've been down on my luck recently, so can I borrow about five-hundred dollars?" he asked. Mario denied him the request, stating that he had already borrowed over fourteen-hundred dollars so far and not paid it back. While the two conversed, Waluigi snuck in through a window and made his way upstairs in search of Peach's jewelry box.

"Where has all of that money gone, Wario? By the way your nose is colored, I'd say you've been spending it on alcohol again," accused Mario concerning Wario's large, reddish nose. Wario denied the accusation, and claimed Mario was being stingy with his massive fortune.

As the argument continued, Waluigi entered Mario and Peach's room and located the box filled with her opulent, expensive jewelry, some gems, a few gold coins, and a small stack of embarrassing pictures of Mario that he would have wanted incinerated in the superheated plasma of the Sun if he knew of their existence. Completely ignoring the humiliating photos, Waluigi began to grab all he could and stuff the plunder into his pockets. Peach immediately stopped what she was doing, looked into the distance, and narrowed her eyes. She knew something was wrong. Waluigi grabbed the last of what he saw as being worthwhile, and made his way toward the staircase. That's when he saw Peach standing in the doorway, angrily tapping her foot.

"I, uh, needed the money," said Waluigi as Peach lunged at him with a baseball bat.

While Mario's onerous discourse with Wario proceeded to boil, Mario heard the commotion upstairs. He looked at Wario with a rather accusing mien, and asked, "This is a setup, isn't it?"

Wario immediately rushed him, and attempted to plant one of his fists into Mario's face. Mario dodged the assault, got Wario in a headlock, led him out the door, and kicked him down a hill. Wario tumbled all the way to a busy street, where he was hit by a large gas-tanker truck. Having collided with such a considerable mass, the truck jackknifed, flipped on its side, and subsequently exploded. Peach soon exited the castle as well, chasing a battered, sans-overalls Waluigi with her baseball bat. He sprinted away as fast as his spindly legs could carry him, screaming like a young girl.

A large, contented grin traveled across Mario's face, and he looked at Peach as she looked at him. They embraced and kissed passionately, though with some difficulty since Peach towered over him by at least twelve inches. She complemented him on a job well done, but before he could return the favor, she mentioned baking him an extra-large cake topped with nonpareils. He immediately sped behind a shrub and vomited.

End!

Super Mario characters, objects, and places are copyright of Nintendo

Edgar's sugar sequence is copyright of whoever owns Men In Black

Story, etc is copyright of myself, NuclearCookout


End file.
